Last Friday I was hanging out in the White House with Zane’s German Shepard (trying to keep her from eating my face), and scanning the rows of old video tapes. Easy Rider, Die Hard 1 through 8, Captain Ron. Then, on the top row, I spotted a Specialized logo.
I jumped out of the cracked vinyl office chair and ran to pick up the box:
Pulp Traction. From 1994. (*not my thumb)
Featuring sexy gripshifting, shameless wide-ons and “boss sounds” by Seal. I started giggling with excitement. I popped the tape in the VCR, propped the little flap open with a q-tip and rewound the tape.
Then the movie began. With a public service announcement, and a man pooping rocks.
The public service message ended and the boss sounds started. Guys with mullets, fanny packs, and white t-shirts started crashing:
Then this chubby guy appeared. He claimed to be riding around the world from Austrailia. He had just ridden down from “Canadoo,” and already pedaled 200,000 miles.
Then an F-16 pilot with a hairy stomach threw a Shark Cruiser:
And a woman with an un-hairy stomach made love to a Shark Cruiser:
After that, the Alien Sprocket Sniffers rode down some bumpy hills:
Canti brakes squealed, back tires were locked, and ruts were carved into the dust.
Then some panties flew:
And a baby was born:
The movie suddenly ended with a phone number. I’m really temped to call it:
It was over too soon. So I watched it two more times. And it was just as awesome the third time.
posted by Montana